{ Undone }

Thank you one and all. The other day I was at the end of a rope. All I was looking to do was vent somewhere, NTC being the most convenient place. Instead of merely letting my expression of frustration and utter wit's endness convulse on the floor rasping it's last, you all responded with your hearts, and more importantly, your deeds. Such a thing in my experience is so truly rare in this world, and finding myself on the receiving end of so much, deserves a thoughtful response and a public announcement of gratitude beyond typing a mere line of thanks on our little forum.

If in my eternal gratitude I can only offer these words in payment, than that is what I shall do, because they come from the heart.

§ You are my motherfucking trampoline

There was true and real feelings behind my vent the other day. Feelings issuing from a very dark place. It was far more than this particular project I was having difficulty finishing. That was merely a manifestation of both the root and expression of the problem. “Done ” truly reflected my mood. Like I had emptied out, with nothing left to give, nowhere to go, and no one to turn to. I was done. I really was laying on the floor, with my infant daughter in my arms, tears in my eyes, wondering what I had to offer her, to offer the world, to offer myself. I was falling off the edge of the world.

You're coming together as you did, and rallying to my cause in my hour of need, caught me in mid-fall. Collectively you guys were my motherfucking trampoline. Stopped my fall and sent me bouncing back up. You guys did that. You have any idea of how powerful that is? Without your help I am not sure what the state of my spirit and mind would be right now.

We are all the sum of our tears. Too little and the ground is not fertile, and nothing can grow there. Too much, the best of us is washed away.

But that's only half the equation, isn't it. The work in question is close to being finished, professionally much happiness is to be had. The project is able to be brought to a completion, with all your help, very soon.

A deeper current remains. I cannot lose sight that I am in a personal period of great questioning and uncertainty. I have felt the horizons getting smaller and smaller, and unable to see the stars that I have heretofore steered myself by. One cannot let the opportunity abject failure gives one to take a long, cold look at what went wrong.

§ Blessings Considered & General Ruminations

On one hand I am truly blessed, with a beautiful child, an adoring wife, good health, a handful of true and good friends, and my material needs generally taken care of. And for this I am eternally thankful.

But I have also lost my job, struggling in a self-chosen new career at an age when most others, if socities story is to be believed, are engaging in their first mid-life crisi and considering retirement plans. I also find I have lost touch with some of those things which I felt defined me (or were expressions of my spirit) and I deeply deeply don't want to lose those things.

Perhaps all the dragons of our lives are princesses who are only waiting to see us once beautiful and brave.

One thing that I have started to feel is an increasing sense of alienation & and a foreboding sense of powerlessness. Part of that is because of losing touch with some of the things that provided meaning to me. The other is filling in those spaces with a whole bunch of tantalizing nothingness. My experience on the internet has been a big part of that. I find myself wasting hours on it with no real payoff from it. So much of it is dry rot knowledge, or sugar-filled distractions. But in the end it's just a tool. And one with powerful effect as you all have just demonstrated. I won't blame the tool, but only my relationship with it.

I have never been interested in money, or power per se, only the power to be and do good. I have, by fruitful accident and purpose, pursued and achieved a life, if not off the grid, then along it's edges. I never wanted to be beholden to socities standards, although such things are very, very hard to escape. My interests in learning, in music, in martial arts and history have all been pursued at the cost of a "regular life". I will not retire. I will not have a house in the suburbs. I respect money, but it shall not be my master nor my goal.

But, I find I have been defining myself by what I am not rather than what I am. Expending power at negation and not creation. I think that is where I find myself, and it is quite dark. I want to seek solid ground and the stars to guide me home.

§ all the help here is just fucking beautiful

I was so happy when NTC formed out of the internet protoplasm and the detritus of the Mothership. The best of the best, in skill and in spirit, came here, I believe. And this recent episode proved that to me. You are all, one and all, truly fucking beautiful. I am proud and honored that I can call you friends and that you would find the space in your lives and in your hearts to help me out when I needed it the most.

In as much as money is not important to me, friendship is. It is truly in the spaces between people where the gods live. I am not religious by inclination or practice, but I don't dismiss the idea of god(s) so easily. I believe that the only expression of goodness in our lives, true, real goodness, is in our relationships with the others we share our lives with. It is in these actions which can serve the sole criteria by which the gods judge us by. What we are given and how we serve others with those gifts. And you guys offered me more than extracting some pdfs and editing a video. That is what you were given - your skills, and the inclination and bent to acquire them - but what you gave with them is your choice and the expression of who you all are. Just fucking beautiful

§ Wonderful feelings are go

Where to now? Reflecting on this small community I am part of here on the internet, I think we might have something special here. I think perhaps we could do something collectively very good and very powerful. I hope we can do that. We should talk. Really.

For myself, I don't want to feel done anymore. I want to feel undone again, incomplete. Unmade. Searching. Hungry. With something left to give from the spirit to the world. To find some meaning and love in that search, in exploring the places between us and the goodness therein. That might involve furthering this little adventure in web designing I have started. It might not. Either way that choice doesn't define me, but if I do continue it I want to be the best I can at it.

But I want to get back in touch with the things where I find simple joy and peace in this world - in music, in learning, in creation, in martial arts, in my family, in my friends. In chasing Truth & Beauty. Thank you. By your collective help the other day you cleared away that first cloud so I can find one of the stars. It's a start. Thank you all for reminding me who I am.

Stay undone, one & all.